Excitement in the air
I thought I would write at least one post before my classes officially begin. The school year at SLCC began today, and my class starts tomorrow; the school year at UVU begins this Monday, when my classes will start too. I’m not sure what it is like at UVU, but my sister has been going there for a year (and I have been visiting the campus all summer), and it does not seem to be any different from SLCC. And yet it feels like I am about to make a huge change in my life, for better or worse. School at a university might not be as different as it is at a community college; but then again, it might be.
Nevertheless, I feel more excited than ever. I have so much going for me at UVU…at least, that’s what it seems. But this fact makes me even more afraid of the future: I will also have so much more to lose. This is how I always am: if life is going well for me, I would sometimes give the entire thing up lest I lose it forever by accident or chance or whatever it is. If I merely give it up, I may be able to come back to it later if and when I am ready. But if I lose it, not of my own accord, I might never be able to get it back.
I suppose this is why I feel more comfortable with my life when it does not have much to offer for me, but now it does: I finally know what I want to study; I have a scholarship at a university; I am in the Honors program of that university. When my life is going well, I may get too comfortable, but the voice in the back of my mind tells me that I should be ready for anything and everything: I could lose this life forever if I am not careful. This life I have now…a life I consider to be pretty good because it lifts my spirits and my mind to a level I rarely see…could be lost forever. I could make a horrible mistake and get kicked out of the school (like taking too many classes that I barely have enough time to study one); I could get into an accident or into a fight and end up dead. Either way, my life as I know it would be over; and this is a frightening thought. I think about it often, though, and this “fear and trembling” I sometimes feel when thinking about it sometimes makes me want to quit life altogether…for fear of losing it.
I know, this is a strange idea, and an even stranger conclusion, but that is just how I feel sometimes. And sometimes I even wish that I would die already so that my hopes are not dashed when I do die (strange, huh?). All in all, I try to look at life in a positive way…to relish the time I have in it and do as much as I can before dying (because I know that I will die someday). And this is why I am usually very excited for a new semester of classes, of learning things that I have never learned before. But then again…I shouldn’t get too excited: I could end up losing everything.
(Wow…this post turned out to be a lot different from what I had intended [a post just about how excited I feel to finally be going to a university]. But after typing the first paragraph, I went in a completely different direction [how much excitement I am trying not to feel because I know that I could lose it all]. Life is frightening sometimes because there is so much that is unknown. But the unknown is also what makes life exciting, and even worth it. And that is why I often feel fear and excitement when pondering on life and my future.)