I am a thinker and a writer, and I study the universe.

Contradictions 4

Random thoughts I was having today:

Today is my 23rd birthday. I feel like my life has gone by so quickly, but at the same time, I feel like it has been so slow that I should be in my 50s by now. I am grateful, though, that my family has not planned anything big or special for me today. It is actually a relief.

But I think about all the people that are my age. Most of them would have a Bachelors degree by now. Most of them would have full-time jobs or be stay-at-home mothers to five-year-old children. Some are even already in graduate programs. Most of them are already doing something great with their lives. But what have I done? I have not finished a book, and not even a degree! (Actually, I will be getting my Associates degree this month.) I am jobless, degreeless, and purposeless. But at the same time, I feel like I have come a very long way from when I had graduated high school five years ago. I have dealt with my father’s death, my own suicide attempts, my brother’s suicide attempts, my sister’s thoughts on suicide, my brother’s onset of schizophrenia, and his going from jail to hospital and back. Life has been very hectic for me. However, all the while, I have never quit school. I have taken semester breaks, yes, but I would always return.

Right now college is my purpose…although I’m not sure what I want to do with my career. But I also want to write! I have loved writing since I was in junior high school, although I got C’s in 7th grade English. And at the same time, I haven’t written much. Perhaps I should begin…when I finish this semester, I will begin to write more vigorously. I do not want to go another year without accomplishing something. Yes, an Associates degree is an accomplishment, but I was supposed to have gotten it long ago. I am three years too late. This fall, I will start my Bachelors degree, and I am exicted, although I was supposed to have gotten one a year ago. I feel like such a loser: I have not accomplished anything in my life. I have only managed to survive abuse and self-abuse…although I am not sure if I will be able to continue to survive them. There are so many abused children that grow up to get degrees in their teens and write books in their mid-20s, and by their 40s, they have already saved millions of lives just because they are still alive. But I am not one of these. I am a loser of a person, and I am not sure if I deserve to be able to accomplish much in my life. I wish I was, but I simply do not deserve it. I am 23 years old today, and I have accomplished nothing, while most people my age have accomplished a lot.

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