I am a thinker and a writer, and I study the universe.

Life and Death

Life is full of ups and downs. And sometimes it is so crazy that I can hardly stand it.

In my short life, I have seen a lot of death. In fact, I have come face to face with it more than once. Sometimes I liked it. Actually, often I liked staring it straight in the face. It made me feel…safe. I’m not really sure how that can be, but that’s how it was. There is something about darkness that calms me, that makes me feel like there is nobody there, nobody watching, and therefore it feels safe. The darkness just feels like a good friend because I have seen so much of it.

In my short life, I have also seen a lot of life. I have also come face to face with it more than once. I liked this too, but sometimes I didn’t. The light sometimes just doesn’t feel safe because I would feel like somebody is there, watching me, perhaps ready to attack me. I hate surprises, and sometimes the light gives surprises that one isn’t prepared for, including more darkness. I know that I have just established that I often like darkness because it feels safe, but if darkness is a surprise that light gives me, I just do not appreciate it.

I am in this spot right now. After a wonderful spring semester, during which I have never felt more alive, I am suddenly in the dark again. The light has once again betrayed me and pushed me back down. Life is frightening. But death just feels happy. The light feels unsafe because it may very well push me away again. But death is a constant ally, something that is always there, looming above or below me. I hate being betrayed, especially by light. Darkness never betrays me.

It is a much easier task to stay in this darkness, because sometimes I’m not sure if I will be able to rise above it anymore. People always tell me that I am strong enough to rise from the ashes, but sometimes I’m not so sure. After all, I am the one that knows my strengths, right? I am the one that knows if I can do it. If I don’t think I can, then I can’t.

Maybe I should just stay in this darkness. Perhaps I should choose death. I know that if I could, I wouldn’t choose it. I have stuck it out long enough to learn that there is more to life than this darkness. Maybe I can do it again. But life had always betrayed me, and every time I see a sign of life, darkness creeps back. If I stick this darkness out, I know that I will see that light and life still exist. But there is always the possibility of this darkness coming back. So there is no end to this roller coaster.

But then again, that’s how it’s always been. And that’s how it will always be.

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